What is sleep? I don’t even know what that is anymore.
Right now life is just throwing things at me from all different directions. It’s breaking me. When I think things are starting to get better for me, it’s like somebody says nope I’m not going to let the happen I don’t want you to get better.
That happen today for instance, another obstacle was thrown my way.

It sucks,

when I can’t stop thinking about you… 

Eyes swollen.
Nose dripping.
I can’t stop crying.
I can’t stop worrying,
about whether you
stood strong or gave up.
I just need to know that
you’re okay.

I haven’t been able to think straigh.
My minds all over the place.
I’m scared,
that when I wake up tomorrow morning
that you won’t be here anymore.
That you’ll be somewhere else.
I get sick to my stomach
when I imagine you
hanging from that rope.
Eyes closed.
Lungs empty.
Heart frozen.
I pray to God tonight that you’ll
make it through
the night.

I can’t stop thinking about what happened last night or what could have happened, you tried to kill yourself again and this time you almost succeded. I can’t tell you how much that scares me, I got so scared to the point where I started having an anxiety attack and my body started shaking and I started crying. I can’t tell you how happy I am that you’re still here, that you’re still breathing. It just sucks because I don’t know how to help because I don’t want you feeling like this, thinking that life would be better without you. I try to tell you over and over again, that you’re important, that you have a purpose in life and that things are going to get better for you. But you never believe me. I’m just scared that one day you’ll actually go through with it and actually kill yourself. And what am I going to do? How am I going to find out? If you would’ve killed youself last night I would’ve never known. I would’ve never known that the guy I loved killed himself.
All I want is for you to be happy, because you’re important to me and I don’t want to see you hurting and feeling bad about yourself. I just you to be happy…

It gets kind of difficult sometimes to play the happy girl act. I wake up every morning wishing my life was better than what it is. Wishing that the depression was gone, wishing that the self harm scars where gone, wishing that all the fake happiness was real. It gets hard to pretend that nothing is wrong with me, that I’m not screwed up, that I’m just a regular teenaged girl who enjoys life and smiles everyday. But I know that’s a lie. I haven’t felt myself for the past couple years. My family nor my friends don’t know how messed up I am inside. They never notice. I never tell people how I feel because I’m scared of what they would think, what they would say, how they would react. I guess I’m just really scares of being judged because I’ve seen and heard my friends and family make fun of people who selfharm & who suffer from depression and I’m scared of what they would think of me. So I just kind of keep everything to myself. That’s the way its always been. I’ve never have had anyone really be there for me when I needed them, only a couple people.
Everything is just getting hard again. I just need someone to be there for because it feels like I have nobody.

It’s been a while since the last time I thought of you. I wonder if I still matter to you or if you even still remember my name or all the long talks we had about random stuff. I haven’t seen you around lately maybe you moved but where ever you are, I hope your doing well. Because I know I’m not. When you left, you took a part of me with you. I wish I could tell you I miss you and that I wish you where still here, but I can’t because you said you never wanted to talk to me again. I wonder what I did wrong to make you walk away, was I not good enough for you. It’s been over years since the last time we spoke… and I still miss you. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to move on from you. Because a long time ago, before I was broken, you where my everything. Is it possible to get your heart broken by a guy you never even dated?